The One Where Teddy Speaks French
by xakemii
Summary: Teddy decided against taking on a fulfilling Wizarding career in favour of tackling the life of a struggling actor based in Muggle London. His next audition requires French. * Based (very, very heavily) on S10E13 of Friends.


note: Completely ripped off S10E13 (The One Where Joey Speaks French) of Friends.

* * *

"Victoire!"

Dominique leans against the doorframe, an eyebrow raised at the disheveled Teddy Lupin who's just stumbled out of her fireplace. She mindless inspects her fingernails as she waits for him to regain his footing.

"Uh..." He grins toothily up at her from his place on the floor. "Your sister here?"

"Nope."

"Bugger," he mutters, jumping to his feet and running an anxious hand through his currently blue hair. "I really need her help."

She pushes herself off the frame, eyeing Teddy with curiosity. "She's at the shop, I think. What do you need her help for? Is she supposed to be teaching you how to use Floo without falling about like an idiot? Honestly, Teddy. It's not that hard."

"First of all, that's hilarious," Teddy replies, not sounding amused at all. "Second of all, Floo is difficult stuff, all right?"

"Ha! For _Louis_, maybe."

"And," he cuts in with a stern glare, "third of all, I actually need her help with French."

At Dominique's blank look, he adds, "Someone called me in to audition for a play tomorrow, but I need to speak French to get the part." He takes a moment to pull a wad of parchment from the satchel hanging from his shoulder. "I was hoping Victoire could help me out."

"I suppose just telling them that you don't speak French would have been far too difficult?"

Teddy deflates. "I really want this part. Look, you wouldn't understand, but—"

"—acting is your dream and all that," Dominique interrupts, rolling her eyes. "I get it. Anyway, Vic's not here, but I am and I'll have you know that I speak perfectly eloquent French."

"You would help me?"

Ignoring the obvious surprise in his voice, she holds out her hand. "Give me a look at the script and we'll see."

He presses the papers into her hands. She scans them quickly and then hums her approval. "It looks easy enough. D'you want a drink or anything before we start?"

They end up at the kitchen counter, sitting on stools and sipping at water. Dominique continues to flick through the script, her eyes resting on the lines that Teddy has so helpfully highlighted.

"Thanks for this," Teddy says, wringing his hands in his lap. "I know everyone thinks this acting thing is stupid and that I should've gone for a more Wizarding thing, but I love acting."

Dominique would like to say that the family doesn't think it's stupid because it's a Muggle job, but rather because Teddy is the most god awful actor any of them have ever seen, but that doesn't really seem appropriate.

"Right, let's start then." Dominique grins at him. "The first bit's pretty easy. _Je m'appelle Claude. _Translated, that means 'my name is Claude'. So. You try now: _Je m'appelle Claude_."

"Shoo do lop Claw."

Dominique blinks. "Uh. Try again. _Je m'appelle Claude._"

"Da du loop Maw."

"_Je m'appelle Claude._"

"Lu ca mop Lawn!"

"For the love of Merlin, listen! _Je m'appelle Claude_."

"Doo la pom Doll!"

Dominique's mouth falls open. If she'd known he'd be so horrid, she wouldn't have bothered offering. And he looks so certain every time he speaks! As if he thinks he's actually saying it right!

"No." She shakes her head. "No. You can't be serious. Can you even hear yourself?"

"What?"

He seems genuinely confused by her lack of praise, so she tries to be patient as she slowly repeats, "_Je m'appelle Claude._"

"Dew le caw schloop."

"I can't...just." Dominique literally cannot find the words for the exasperation she wants to express. She pushes herself from the stool and begins to pace around the room. When he questions her sudden change of attitude, she storms out of the room, yelling, "That's not even _close_ to French!"

Two minutes later she bursts back in. "Sorry. Right. Sorry. Let's do this. Slowly, this time. _Je _— _m'a _— _ppelle _— _Claude._"

"Chew — loo — sho — Lard!"

"_Je m'appelle Claude_."

"Cho mo la Door!"

Dominique cringes inwardly. Every fibre of her being is telling her to work out at it and to correct him until he's stopped butchering her mother's language. But she can't bring herself to suffer through any more of this torture on her ears, so she simply says, "Yeah, that's pretty close, I guess."

"Fantastic!" Teddy smiles at her, obviously pleased with himself. "What's the next line?"

She hurriedly pushes the papers towards him. "You know what? That was so good that I'm sure you'll be able to just read the rest. You've got natural talent." Then, to sell the point, she says, "I was only hard on you because I couldn't believe you were so great."

"That's great!"

_Oh, thank Merlin he believed me_.

"Do you really think I could just read at my audition? If you don't want to read with me anymore, I can just ask Vic when she gets home."

"No, no, no," Dominique insists. "You'd just be wasting her time. Trust me...you're brilliant."

"Well, thanks Dom. You've been a huge help."

He walks towards the fireplace with her chattering false encouragements in his ear before flooing away. Dominique can't help the grin that forms on her face. He's finally gone. Then she frowns. He's going to make an absolute of himself at the audition. And even though he drives her insane, she doesn't actually want him to fail.

So, the next day she throws on a coat and makes her way through Muggle London until she finds herself hovering in the doorway and watching from a distance as her cousin slaughters the beautiful language that is French.

He blathers on for a good page and a half before the casting director finally yells at him to stop.

"I thought you said you could speak French!" the director shouts.

Teddy looks, wide-eyed, up at the man. "I _am_ speaking French."

"Um, excuse me!" Dominique calls, stepping out from the shadows and getting everyone's attention. "So sorry. I was just walking by when I heard this wonderful French...uh, spoken in the dialect of my hometown."

The director scoffs. "You're telling me that was French?"

Teddy seems so pitiful on the stage, so Dominique makes her way towards the director. She leans in and says, "D'accord. Non. Il ne parle pas bien le français, mais il est mon frère et il est un peu retardé. Soyez sympa. S'il vous plaît."

The realisation on the man's face is near comical. He quickly nods and gives her a wink.

"So, Teddy..." He turns to the stage. "You were great. Excellent French. But y'know...I just don't think you're right for the part. You were wonderful though. Do keep trying."

Teddy seems to find this an acceptable explanation and hops off the stage happily. He bounds over to Dominique, happy as can be.

"You came!"

Dominique smiles at him. "I wouldn't have missed it for the world."

"Shame about the part. But I was pretty good, eh?"

She laughs, slipping her arm through his. They walk out of the theatre, Dominique listening as he talks to her about a great new part he's been called in to audition for.

"D'you have to speak French?" she asks.

"Nope."

_Oh, thank goodness. _

"...but I don't suppose you speak Spanish, do you?"


End file.
